Healing Rituals
You are what you eat, so now I am liquid
File this under TMI.
One of my uncles bled out on the table during colon surgery, so when I got the news that my most recent colonoscopy (every three years, since I turned 40, due to the aforementioned uncle) “could not be completed” due to the size and location of a particular polyp, I had concerns.
My follow-up surgery (still via endoscopy, FWIW) was scheduled for Friday, March 7, so I ran the purge/clear liquid diet following a late morning brunch of steamed clams and rice on Wednesday. Feeling the absence of food about noon on Thursday, I drove to Rhode Island for some 3:2 blackjack, bumping a $200 stake to $500 (thanks to a modified Fibonacci and normal variance) in just under three shoes.
Would my tilt of good luck carry over to the next morning? I had a 2:30 a.m. alarm set, to run my second round of Miralax in under eight hours. I had thirteen Scrabble games running on my app that early morning, playing who-knows from elsewhere in the English-speaking world.
I picked up my adult escort (they won’t discharge you without one visible; yes, I paid her for her time) and drove us through remarkably-light Boston traffic to the hospital. There is the option for patients to undergo the colonoscopy without anesthesia, should the patient not be able to find an adult escort who has a free weekday morning-plus. I first learned this when I lived in Boston and took public transit everywhere—I was planning to ride it to and from my appointment, alone.
They will offer to shove a cable up your ass, cut out tissue and cauterize the bleeding areas, without anesthesia.
I sense the adult escort is not there to help the patients as much as help the hospital avoid liabilities.
Speaking of: In the phone meeting leading up to the procedure, there is the discussion of risks that come with the procedure. Mine was “not uncommon” for patients to see blood in their stool with their first bowel movement post-procedure, 5 - 6% of cases end up with infections that are treated with antibiotics, and there was a 4% risk of perforating the intestine wall and a 2% risk of permanent disability or death.
The modified Fibonacci approach to betting on blackjack involves mathematical odds—bets increase in value as the odds of a player losing decrease. Following each lost hand of 1 unit, bet amounts are made in units of: 1, 2, 4, 6, 13, 26—That’s 53 total units (on a $10 minimum table, a $530 starting stake). 97.9% of every 100 deciding hands will keep a player from losing, using this method of setting wagers and a strict adherence to “The Book.” 2.1% of the time, all $530 will be lost.
As you can tell, I did not lose six hands in a row, but I did have a sizeable lump of tissue dissected from my large intestine. They are running biopsies and will be informing me of what they might find.
Following poor blood test results, I eliminated animal fat, most cholesterol, and added sugars from my diet in September, 2024, lost more than 30 pounds and felt fine, going into my January exam.
Now I am on a liquid diet for the next several days. I am experiencing the slimming effects—I am about 10 pounds lighter than I was, less than a week ago—but this is starting to get to me. I was able to begin eating smooth yogurt again on Sunday; but nothing with fiber until Thursday, and then only cooked-to-mush vegetables and fruits (no seeds), boiled white rice, cream of wheat, silken tofu and other foods fit for six-month-olds.
The worst part is I have food all prepared and waiting for me, the Brussels sprouts and cauliflower I roasted a week ago, along with a bowl of brown rice I like to keep handy in the fridge. My baked and seasoned tofu taunts me, next to the snow peas and carrots, and let’s not talk about the hummus and baba ghanoush that was a breakfast staple through the winter.
Anyway, that’s why I have been sparse with my written and fecal output over the past few days. I am adjusting and expect to be back to tearing the Bourgeoisie a new asshole soon. Lordy knows I am hungry enough.
#BankruptElon